Psycho Dad Shatters YouTube Play Button/Transcript

This is the transcript for Psycho Dad Shatters YouTube Play Button.

Transcript
(The video opens with the camera pointing towards Jesse's white board, which reads "500K Juggies!" A party whistle is then heard being played, and the camera turns towards Jesse)

Jesse: *laughs* Hey, there, Juggies! It's your old pal, McJuggerNuggets here! And guess what? Well, you already know what, because you saw the board! 500,000 Juggies! Or 500k subscribers, whatever you want to call it. What matters is we're here, and it came so soon, I was not expecting it, so...

(he blows an air horn)

Jesse: (startled by the noise) Oh!

(he blows the whistle again)

Jesse: This one's better... Uh, I have prepared for you guys an amazing fucking smorgasbord of things. Balloons, streamers, the whole nine yards... and we're gonna give you a house tour of it all. And we're gonna get some reactions from my family members on me reaching 500,000. *whispering* Let's do it.

(he and Corn (who is filming the video) leave Jesse's bedroom and start walking towards the living room)

Jesse: *blows the whistle* Oh, and if you guys didn't already know, Corn is filming!

Corn: Hey!

Jesse: Hey, you never congratulated me at all.

Corn: Oh, yeah, yeah, congrats on 500k, man! Sorry!

Jesse: So fake! Well, you're helping me film so that's enough. Did you just kick a balloon at me?

Corn: *chuckles*

Jesse: Let's see how the Mom is doing!

(he knocks on his parents' bedroom door, Terri comes out)

Terri: Yay!

Jesse: Hey!

(the two start blowing whistles)

Jesse: Yes!

Terri: Congratulations!

(she hands him his 100k YouTube Play Button)

Jesse: Aw, yes! (In a part-Italian accent) Thank you, thank you!

(they hug)

Jesse: We're pretending that this is the 500k plaque, but it's actually just the 100k plaque, what a... John!

(some confetti goes off)

Jesse: Oh! Whoa! (In a part-Italian accent again) Yes, very nice! *blows whistle* Thank you, Mother. Thank you.

Terri: Congratulations!

Jesse: Yes, yes.

Terri: Yay, McJuggerNuggets!

Jesse: Yes. Poopy John is celebrating too, with his jumps! Let's go see how Jeffrey's doing.

(he and Corn start walking towards Jeffrey's room)

Jesse: It was not easy to get these guys all in on it. I had to pay them off with delicious, delicious food.

(he walks underneath the entrance to the attic)

Jesse: Check this out, guys! Got a little...

(he pulls the door open)

Jesse: Surprise!

(balloons and decorations can be seen stuck to the door)

Jesse: Oh! What?

(he knocks on the door, and it slams back closed)

Jesse: Whoa, oh, shit! Okay, well, that didn't go as planned! Let's see how Jeffrey's doing in here! Jeffrey, you ready for the...?

(a whistle can be heard going off in the bathroom across from Jeffrey's room)

Corn: Wait, what was that?

Jesse: Is he in the bathroom?

(the bathroom door opens)

Jesse: The hell?

(Jeffrey starts spraying silly string on Jesse)

Jesse: Oh, shit!

Corn: Holy! What the?!

Jesse: Oh, oh, oh! Yeah, okay! Okay! That's enough! That's enough!

(Jeffrey starts laughing)

Jesse: That's enough! Yeah! Okay! Alright! Dude, I smell CO2 and shit! Just fucking stop!

(Jeffrey stops spraying him, but he snatches the Play Button and runs away laughing)

Jesse: Hey, no, give me that! Hey!

(he starts running after Jeffrey)

Jesse: Hey, this isn't part of the video! This isn't part of it!

(the chase continues inside the living room)

Jesse: Hey Mom, are you going to help me!?

(Jeffrey jumps over the couch to escape from Jesse)

Jesse: Corn, Corn, cut him off, cut him off!

Corn: *confused* Uh...

(Jeffrey runs out of the living room)

Jesse: Oh, shit! Come back! What are you doing?!

Corn: What do you want me to do?

(Jesse chases Jeffrey into the basement, where Jeff Sr. is waiting with a baseball bat to smash a pinata)

Jesse: Stop! Frick! Come back here! This isn't part of it! You're ruining...

Jeff Sr.: What the hell are you two doing?!

Jesse: ...the whole video!

Jeffrey: What video? This is mine!

Jesse: Yeah, this isn't part of it! It's not yours, it's mine! I earned it!

Jeffrey: Yeah, but I fucking filmed everything!

Jesse: Corn, get him!

Corn: How do you want me to get it?

(Jeffrey tosses the Play Button across the pool table, Jesse runs to retrieve it)

Jesse: What?

Corn: What the heck?

Jesse: Dude, what're you doing? Give me that shit!

(the two start fighting over the Play Button)

Jeff Sr.: What're you doing?! Knock it off!

(he runs over to them)

Jeff Sr.: Knock it off! It's all you... give me that!

(the three start fighting over the Play Button)

Jeff Sr.: Give me it! Knock it--

Jesse: Mine! Play Button!

Jeff Sr.: Drop it!

(Jeff Sr. gets ahold of the Play Button)

Jeff Sr.: It always happens! You guys argue, you fight over everything! Why?! It's nothing that important!

Jesse: Nothing that important?! You don't understand it!

Jeffrey: It's what I deserve!

Jesse: No, I did this!

Jeffrey: Yeah, I filmed everything!

Jeff Sr.: Who cares?! Who cares?! It's 100,000 award, look! You're already at 500k, who cares?!

Jesse: Do you even realize how big that fucking number is?!

Jeff Sr.: I do...

Jeffrey: Yeah, that I got!

Jesse: You didn't do shit! Who's setting up this whole-

Jeff Sr.: You always ruin it!

Jeffrey: Who owns the fucking camera!?

Jesse: This was supposed to be a celebration, not a fucking bullshit fight!

Jeff Sr.: It always turns into this way no matter what! Jeez!

Jeffrey: Just give me my fucking award!

Jesse: It's not his!

Jeff Sr.: It's nobody's!

Jesse: Give it to me! Give it to me!

Jeff Sr.: No!

Jesse: We need to film this video because I have a lot of people counting on me!

Jeff Sr.: This is all you two do is fight over bullshit!

Jesse: Give me that!

(he attempts to retrieve the Play Button, but Jeff Sr. shoves him away)

Jeff Sr.: Get off of it!

Jesse: What're you going to do, destroy this just like you destroy everything else!?

Jeff Sr.: Oh, great idea! I might!

(he walks into the adjacent room)

Jesse: Dad!

Jeffrey: Don't you fucking destroy that!

Jesse: Dad!

Jeffrey: Don't you destroy that! That shit's mine!

Jesse: Dad, that's 100,000 people! That's an award, that's an accolade!

Jeff Sr.: You're already at 500,000! This doesn't matter anymore!

Jesse: (starting to weep) I worked really hard for that!

Jeffrey: You worked really hard!?

Jesse: Yeah, I did!

Jeffrey: I'm the one who held the camera filming everything!

Jeff Sr.: Whatever happens, you fight, you argue over everything! Why!? It don't mean that much!

Jesse: It means everything. I...*stutters*...I make art...

Jeffrey: Oh, don't be overdramatic!

Jeff Sr.: You "make art", yeah! You want a piece of this!? You guys want it in pieces!?

(he sets the Play Button down on a table and grabs a hammer)

Jesse: Dad!

Jeffrey: I'm the one who filmed all of that shit!

Jesse: Dad!

(he tries to retrieve the Play Button, but Jeff Sr. pushes him back)

Jeff Sr.: Get off of it!

Jesse: If you try to...

Jeffrey: Don't do that!

(pause)

Jesse: I worked hard!

Jeffrey: Yeah, fucking...

Jeff Sr.: You both worked hard, cut it out!

Jesse: (to Jeffrey) You act like you care.

Jeff Sr. (now visibly angry) You don't... you don't understand anything, do ya?

Jesse: No.

(Jeff Sr. starts smashing the Play Button with the hammer)

Jesse: Dad! Holy shit!

Jeffrey: Jesus fucking Christ, are you kidding me?!

Corn: Holy shit!

Jesse: (blood-curdling scream)

Corn: What the fuck?!

(Jeff Sr. throws the Play Button across the room)

Jeff Sr.: There's your award!

Jeffrey: What the fuck?! I'm gonna take it to your fucking drywall!

(Jeffrey starts to smash a drywall that was leaning against the wall)

Jeff Sr.: There, everybody get a piece of it! Have a piece of it!

(as he leaves the room, Jesse continues screaming and Jeffrey continues smashing the drywall)

Jesse: Stop! Stop!

(Jeffrey stops and looks at Jesse)

Jesse: You act like this is yours!

Jeffrey: It is fucking mine! Who filmed everything? I did!

Jesse: This is mine!

(he picks up the Play Button)

Jesse: Look, you know what? You... yeah! You want it? You want this shattered award?! Take it!

(he throws the Play Button on the floor)

Jesse: I don't want it! I don't need it!

(Jeffrey picks up the Play Button)

Jesse: Corn, you're still filming this?

Corn: Yeah, what do you want me to do!?

Jesse: Help! I don't know, you could've helped us stop--

(Jeffrey flings the Play Button against the drywall and then kicks the drywall, smashing it)

Jeffrey: Jesus fucking Christ...

(Jesse starts walking into the other room)

Jesse: I'm so done with this shit! I tried to do one thing!

Jeffrey: Goddamn it!

Jesse: I tried to do one video!

Jeff Sr.: This always happens! It always happens!

Jesse: Always happens?! You know why it happens!

Jeffrey: (from the other room) Are you fucking kidding me?!

Jeff Sr.: Why can't you two just get along!? You two are in your mid-20s, what the hell ails you?!

(Jesse grabs a baseball bat and starts smashing a pinata)

Corn: God...

Jesse: This was supposed to be happy! This was supposed to be a happy... fucking... video!

Jeff Sr.: Is it happy now?! Is it happy?!

Jesse: Yeah, well, now there's candy! There's candy everywhere!

Jeff Sr.: Great! That is--

Jesse: You're the one who causes this shit!

Jeff Sr.: Oh, yeah, I am?

(Terri arrives with a can of confetti)

Jesse: The hell are you doing, Mom? Mom, no!

(she sets off the confetti in Jesse's face)

Jesse: Mom! We're done... the video's done. Jeffrey ruined it and stole my Play Button and Dad...

Jeffrey: Did not fucking ruin it...

(Jesse sits down)

Jeff Sr.: All the time this happens...

Jeffrey: You took credit for my fucking videos and you wouldn't share it!

Jesse: Dude, dude...

Jeff Sr.: All the time...

Jesse: You don't even understand how hard it is... to fucking...

(he pops a balloon)

Jesse: ...just fucking make people happy!

Jeff Sr.: Share it!

Jesse: Stop fucking filming this.

(he covers the camera with his hand, abruptly ending the video)