Psycho Kid Torches Christmas Tree (Transcript)

(Video opens with family opening gifts)

Jesse: Is this my last one?

Jeffery Jr: What is that? This is mine!

Jesse: That is yours, this is mine?

Jeffery Jr : Yeah.

Jesse: There is no way this is a Wii U. Oh, wow. A brown shipping box. It looks like it came from UPS like two days ago.

Jeffery Jr: Do not hate on the brown box.

Jesse: What is this? Really, Mom?

Mom: Open it up. Open it up.

Jessie: No, I see what...Yeah. (Laughter)

Mom: Are they not adorable?

Jessie: No, Mom. I mean... If I was twelve. I am twenty-two years old now!

Mom: Put them on, Jess. I am not. I am not.

Dad: That is embarrassing. I would not wear that! Mom:Just put them on.

Jessie: This is ridiculous.

Mom: CUTE!

Jessie: They hurt my ears!

Dad: Cute.

Jeffrey: Oh, you can just sashay your pretty little self around town.

Jessie: Ow! What are you doing?

Mom: Well, I think they light up. Yes! Oh, my goodness, it is so cute.

Dad: Oh, my God that is hideous. (Laughter)

Mom: Jess, you have to look at yourself. It is adorable!

Jessie: Oh, yeah. It is just what I wanted...

Mom: I need to get me some.

Jeffrey:There is really...No way! Are you...

Jessie:You asked for an Xbox One?

Jeffrey:No.Thank you so much.

Jeffery Sr.: Great...Another gaming console... I'm gonna go start breakfast.

Jesse: You guys gave him an Xbox One? You did not even ask for that?

Jeffrey: I did not give them a list or anything.

Mom: What? You did not get what you wanted, Jess?

Jesse: No. No. I got the reindeer antlers!

Jeffrey: You asked for those?

Mom: I think they are cute. There is really...

Jeffrey: Are we having ummm... Cinnamon buns or waffles or what?

Mom: Yeah, how many do you want? We are having waffles.

Jeffrey: Oh... Mom:You want any waffles? Jessie:NO! (Laughter)

Mom: You do not want any?

Jesse: I do not want any waffles!!!

(More Laughter) (Want some coffee?) (Unanimous: Yeah.) Some more tea...

Jeffrey:What the hell? (Laughs) Oh, God... What the hell did he do? Jesus Christ. Oh, well this is just over-dramatic. What are you doing?

Jessie: YOU ALWAYS GOTTA BE FILMING!!

Jeffrey:Wait, are you serious?!

Jessie:Yeah, I am serious.

Jeffrey:Jesse, you should... You should NOT be doing that!

Jessie:Enjoy the home video for Christmas!

Jeffrey:Jesse, this is not the right way.

Jessie: '''Yeah! You want some on you?!'''

Jeffrey:Jesus Christ, dude!

Jessie: You want to catch aflame?!

Jeffrey:Dude. Calm down! Look. There is no going back if you do this.

Jessie:It is not fair that you get an Xbox One that you did not even ask for... And I get... Nothing! NOTHING!

Jeffrey:Jesse, Christmas is not about like just what you get.

Jessie:I do not...Oh, yeah?! You know how much it means to me!

Jeffrey:Are you really going to do that?

Jessie:Yeah. Yeah. Dude. This is meant...

Jeffrey:Ah, Jesus... Dude.

Jessie:You know, screw this holiday! You know, what does it even matter.

Jeffrey:Oh, my God.

(Theresa/Mom gasps)

Dad:What the hell are you doing?

Jessie:What does it look I am doing?!

Dad:These games have fried your mind, have they not?!

Jessie:What do you mean? "FRIED MY MIND?!" YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

Dad:Yeah, I have every idea.

Jessie:I do not even know why I still have this on!

Dad:You ruined the stinking holiday! What ails you? Jesus.

Jessie:You. Hey! I got you a grill! I got you a grill! I got you a grill. For Christmas, alright?!

Dad:Yeah, but I already have a grill.

Jeffrey:Jesus Christ. Jessie:Look. Look.

Dad:What ails you?

Jessie;No, I am not going to do that. Look. What are you...Jesus!

Dad:What ails you?! Look...These games are getting in your head!

Jessie:No. I got you...All I wanted was one thing... I wanted one thing! for Christmas. I wanted one thing... Oh, shi- Dad. Dad, stop! STOP! Look. LOOK. Dad! Dad. Dad! Dad! Dad. Dad! Look. Look, I wanted one thing. Dad. Dad! GET OFF! GET OFF ME! I AM GOING TELL MY THERAPIST! I AM GOING TO TELL MY THERAPIST ABOUT THIS!

Dad:Yeah, I do not care.

Jessie:Stop! Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here! (Girlish Screams)

Jeffrey:Mom, you have to pull the pin! Get off! You have to squeeze the...OH! Use two hands, Mom! Oh, my God...

(Cut to inside the Ridgeways' house)

Dad:Way to ruin another family holiday...

Jessie:I love to do it!

Dad:If it was not for your Mother, your ass would be out to the curb!

Jessie:Well, at least she actually CARES!

Mom:Jesse! Please, come in here. Stop. Please...Please. Just come in here.

Jessie:What? Damn it.

Mom:I did not put this under the tree because of your Father.

(She gives Jesse a present. Jesse opens it; It's the Nintendo Wii U Console)

Jessie:Is it...? Mom! Thanks. Merry Christmas.

Jeffrey:Are you freaking kidding me?