Psycho Kid Torches Christmas Tree/Transcript

Transcript
(Video opens with family opening gifts)

Jesse: Is this my last one? What is that?

Jeff Jr.: This is mine.

Jesse: That's yours, this is mine?

Jeff Jr.: Yeah.

Jesse: There's no way this is a Wii U. Oh, wow. A brown shipping box. It looks like it came from UPS like two days ago.

Jeff Jr.: Don't hate on the brown box.

Jesse: What is this? Really, Mom?

Theresa: Open it up. Open it up.

Jesse: No, I see what... Yeah. (Laughter)

Theresa: Aren't they adorable?

Jessie: No, Mom. I mean... If I was twelve. I'm twenty-two years old now!

Theresa: Put them on, Jess. I am not. I am not.

Jeff Sr.: That's embarrassing. I would not wear that!

Theresa: Just put them on.

Jesse: This is ridiculous.

Theresa: Cute!

Jesse: They hurt my ears!

Jeff Sr.: Cute.

Jeff Jr.: Oh, you can just sashay your pretty little self around town.

Jesse: Ow! What are you doing?

Theresa: Well, I think they light up. Yes! Oh, my goodness, it's so cute.

Jeff Sr.: Oh, my God, that is hideous. (Laughter)

Theresa: Jess, you have to look at yourself. It's adorable!

Jesse: Oh, yeah. It's just what I wanted...

Mom: I need to get me some.

Jeff Jr.: There is really... No way! Are you...

Jesse: You asked for an Xbox One?

Jeffrey Jr.: No. Thank you so much.

Jeffery Sr.: Great... Another gaming console... I'm gonna go start breakfast.

Jesse: You guys gave him an Xbox One? You did not even ask for that?

Jeff Jr.: I didn't give them a list or anything.

Theresa: What? You did not get what you wanted, Jess?

Jesse: No, no, I got the reindeer antlers!

Jeffrey: You asked for those?

Theresa: I think they are cute. There is really...

Jeff Jr.: Are we having, um... cinnamon buns or waffles or what?

Theresa: Yeah, how many do you want? We're having waffles.

Jeff Jr.: Oh...

Theresa: You want any waffles?

Jesse: No! (Laughter)

Theresa: You don't want any?

Jesse: I don't want any waffles!

(More Laughter) (Want some coffee?) (Unanimous: Yeah.) Some more tea...

(Jesse opens the door, unplugs the Christmas tree, and drags it outside)

Jeff Jr.: What the hell? (Laughs) Oh, God... What the hell did he do? Jesus Christ. Oh, well, this is just over-dramatic. What are you doing?

Jesse: (pouring fuel to the tree) You always gotta be filming!

Jeff Jr.: Wait, are you serious?

Jesse: Yeah, I am serious!

Jeff Jr.: Jesse, you should... You should not be doing that.

Jesse: Enjoy the home video for Christmas!

Jeff Jr.: Jesse, this is not the right way.

Jesse: (threatens to splash fuel on Jeffrey Jr.) Yeah! You want some on you?!

Jeffrey: Jesus Christ, dude!

Jesse: You want to catch a flame?!

Jeff Jr.: Dude, calm down! Look, there's no going back if you do this.

Jesse: It's not fair that you get an Xbox One that you did not even ask for... And I get nothing!

Jeff Jr.: Jesse...

Jesse: Nothing!

Jeff Jr.: Jesse, Christmas isn't about like just what you get.

Jesse: I don't, oh, yeah?! You know how much it means to me!

Jeff Jr.: Are you really going to do that?

Jesse: Yeah. Yeah.

Jeff Jr.: Dude.

Jesse: This is meant... (lights up the fuel on the tree)

Jeff Jr.: Ah, Jesus... Dude.

Jesse: You know, screw this holiday! (Sprays some more fuel to the fire) You know, what does it even matter.

Jeff Jr.: Oh, my God.

(Theresa gasps)

Jeff Sr.: What the hell are you doing?

Jesse: What does it look like I'm doing?!

Jeff Sr: These games have fried your mind, haven't they?!

Jesse: What do you mean, "fried my mind"?! You have no idea!

Jeff Sr: Yeah, I have every idea.

Jesse: You have no... I don't even know why I still have this on!

Jeff Sr: You ruined the stinking holiday! What ails you?

Jeff Jr.: Jesus.

Jesse: You... Hey, I got you a grill! I got you a grill! I got you a grill for Christmas, alright?!

Jeff Sr.: Yeah, but I already have a grill.

Jeff Jr.: Jesus Christ.

Jesse: Look. Look.

Jeff Sr: What ails you?

Jesse: No, I'm not gonna do that. Look. What are you gonna do?

Jeff Sr: Jesus, what ails you?!

Jesse: Look...

Jeff Sr: These games are getting in your head!

Jesse: No. I got you... All I wanted was one thing... I wanted one thing for Christmas. I wanted one thing...

Jeff Jr.: Oh, shit...

Jesse: Dad. Dad, stop! Stop Look. Look! Dad! Dad! Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! Look. Look, I wanted one... I want... Dad. Dad! Get off! Get off me! I'm gonna tell my therapist! I'm gonna tell my therapist about this!

Jeff Sr: Yeah, I don't care.

Jesse: Stop! Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here! (screaming)

Jeffrey: Mom, you gotta pull the pin!

Jesse: Get off! (cries)

Jeff Jr.: You have to squeeze the...

Theresa: Oh!

Jeff Jr.: Use two hands, Mom! Oh, my God...

(Cut to inside the Ridgeways' house)

Jeff Sr: Way to ruin another family holiday...

Jesse: I love to do it!

Jeff Sr: If it wasn't for your Mother, your ass would be sitting on the curb!

Jessie: Well, at least she actually cares!

Theresa: Jesse, please, come in here. Stop, please... Please. Just come in here.

Jesse: What? Damn it.

Theresa: I did not put this under the tree because of your Father.

(She gives Jesse a present. Jesse opens it; It's the Nintendo Wii U Console)

Jesse: Is it...? Mom! Thanks.

Jeff Jr.: Are you freaking kidding me?

Jesse: Merry Christmas.