This is the transcript for Psycho Dad Axes Laptop.
(The video opens with Jesse filming in the basement of the Ridgway Residence, updating the viewers on his broken possessions from the first two Psycho Videos.)
Jesse: (sarcastically) I just fucking love my family.
(he focuses camera on the broken Xbox 360 from Psycho Dad Destroys Xbox)
Jesse: We have here a broken Xbox two Christmases ago, uh, thanks to my asshole father, there's $250 down the drain...
(he focuses camera on a bag that contains the camera Jeffrey had smashed in Psycho Brother's Filming Freakout)
Jesse: ...and THIS fucking bag of tricks is my broken $900 camera, and $150 shotgun mic, which... I mean, I scraped together money to get a replacement...
(he focuses camera on himself)
Jesse: ...but still, I was made a fucking laughing stock in front of all my friends, and on YouTube, so, it's time to get revenge on these fuckers, because I can't stand this house anymore.
(he walks out the basement, and sees Poopy John, one of the family dogs, in front of the sliding door)
Jesse: Hey, Poopy John.
(he walks over to Jeffrey's room and knocks on the door.)
(he knocks on the door again)
Jesse: (opens door) Hey, I was wondering if I could borrow your laptop.
Jeffrey: What do you want it for?
Jesse: Oh, I was just gonna talk to this girl online.
(he focuses camera on the window. Jeff Sr. can be seen outside, chopping wood.)
Jeffrey: Okay. What's that, what are you filming?
Jesse: Huh? No, I was filming earlier, the camera's off. That's why I have it down.
Jeffrey: Oh. Alright.
(Off camera, he gives the laptop to Jesse.)
Jesse: Thank you.
Jeffrey: Mm hmm.
(he closes door, and sees Boobs, another family dog.)
Jesse: Hey, Boobs.
(he walks over to the dining room table to set down the laptop)
Jesse: By now, you're probably wondering what I'm doing.
(he opens the laptop)
Jesse: (as he signs into the laptop) Well, just knowing how crazy my dad is, I'm going to show him the Psycho--
(he sees his brother's desktop picture of a woman in a bikini)
Jesse: Ewww... that is so fucking disgusting... My brother's disgusting.
(he goes on the Internet and goes to YouTube)
Jesse: Okay, I'm gonna show my dad the video. Wow, Comcast is surprisingly fast right now.
(he searches for the McJuggerNuggets YouTube channel)
Jesse: There's my brother's account...
(he clicks on the Psycho Dad Destroys Xbox video)
Jesse: There it is, Psycho Dad Destroys Xbox.
(The screen switches over to the video's page, where a Honda advertisement is playing)
Jesse: Are you fucking kidding me? My brother put ads on this shit?
(he closes the ad and the video starts, Jesse pauses the video just as it starts.)
Jesse: Okay, all right.
(he picks up the laptop)
Jesse: Hopefully I don't drop this shit. Okay.
(he walks over to the front door and goes outside)
(he turns to the window to Jeffrey's room)
Jesse: (to Jeffrey) Fucking asshole.
(he continues walking over to Jeff Sr.)
Jesse: Aw jeez. Hey Dad!
Jeff Sr.: What?
Jesse: I was wondering if you had a second. I got s-- (Pauses while Jeff Sr. chops another piece of wood) I wanted to know if you wanted to watch this.
(he gives laptop to Jeff Sr.)
Jeff Sr.: What is it?
Jesse: It's one of Jeffrey's videos.
Jeff Sr.: Well why am I watching Jeffrey's video and you're filming me?
Jesse: Huh, no i-it's a reaction.
Jeff Sr.: How the hell do you start the thing?
Jesse: You push, you push that right there (referring to the play button you press to start the video)
(The video begins playing)
Jeff Sr.: Why do you pick now to do this, anyway?
Jesse: Can you just watch it?
Jeff Sr.: Yeah... (after a few seconds, skips ahead to the part where the Xbox gets destroyed)
Jesse: Well don't skip it...
Jeff Sr.: Well I don't know what the hell it is-- (sees the Xbox getting destroyed) This-- this is bullshit! What is this?! (Brief pause) You videotaped the Xbox thing?!
Jesse: I didn't.
Jeff Sr.: Well who did??
Jesse: Jeffrey did!
Jeff Sr.: Well when'd he do it, and why is... why is it on YouTube?! I can't have people seeing this crap! Why would you even... Why would you even think about filming it?
Jesse: I didn't... I didn't even do it, I'm the one that gets my fucking Xbox broke!
Jeff Sr.: Well why would you put it on YouTube?!
Jesse: I don't know, I didn't do it!
Jeff Sr.: (unintelligible) So how long has it been on there?
Jesse: I don't... He uh, He uploaded that two Christmases ago.
Jeff Sr.: Two million... two million views, and how long ago???
Jesse: I don't know.
Jeff Sr.: Aw crap, you know, I can't have this shit on TV. I don't want people seeing all this stuff.
(he sets the laptop down on the tree stump he was placing the logs on to chop.)
Jesse: Dad what are you doing?
Jeff Sr.: I don't... Well you deserve it. What do you need to do?
Jesse: You just fucking broke the screen-- DAD!!!
(Jeff Sr. starts using the axe to smash the laptop)
Jesse: Holy shit. WHAT THE...
(Jeff Sr. gives the laptop another smash.)
Jeff Sr.: There.
Jesse: You know that was Jeffrey's laptop, right?
Jeff Sr.: Who cares? Why... why would Jeffrey's come out here, why would you do it? You set me up, didn't you?
Jesse: I didn't. I was just filming... I just wanted to see you get made because Jeffrey just made me look like a fool, and you look like a fool so he deserves to be punished.
Jeff Sr.: So now you're making me look like a fool now to and you're videotaping... Here, give me the freaking camera.
(he takes the camera from Jesse's hands)
Jesse: I don't... No, I got one of my cameras already smashed!
Jeff Sr.: Take... Pick it up, pick it up! Pick it up, take it in to your brother. Take it in to your brother!
Jesse: There's nothing even to fucking pick up!
Jeff Sr.: Pick up what's there! Pick up what's there!
Jesse: I'm gonna... I'm gonna cut... I'm gonna cut myself on this glass!
Jeff Sr.: It... You'll learn your lesson, won't you?
Jesse: (Presumably hurts himself while picking up the laptop) Ah, fuck.
Jeff Sr.: It's plastic, it ain't gonna be that bad.
Jesse: I didn't... I didn't even do that!
Jeff Sr.: It's not... It's plastic, don't even worry about it, pick it up, serves you right for doing this shit, setting me up.
Jesse: He deserves this shit!
Jeff Sr.: Pick it up and take it into your brother.
(They walk back to the house, no one speaks for a few seconds)
Jesse: You just fucking axed a laptop.
Jeff Sr.: Who cares? You just embarrassed me on YouTube!
Jesse: It's freaking YouTube!
Jeff Sr.: Yeah! Well it doesn't mean anything to you because you're going for...
Jesse: (turns around) Well I don't wanna do this...
(Jeff Sr. pushes him back towards the front door)
Jeff Sr.: No! Get in there!
Jesse: What are you gonna hit me now?
Jeff Sr.: No, I don't wanna hit you!
Jesse: ...you're gonna hit me in front of everyone on YouTube?!
Jeff Sr.: I don't hit you. You oughta know that. Get your ass in there, learn your lesson, give it to your brother.
(They walk through the front door)
Jesse: He's gonna beat the fucking shit out of me.
Jeff Sr.: You'll learn your lesson! I wouldn't set you up like that!
Jesse: You're setting me up right now.
Jeff Sr.: No, you know what I mean, get in there and give it to your brother!
(After a few seconds, Jesse attempts to turn around again)
Jesse: (Quietly) Can we not do this?
Jeff Sr.: No!
(he shoves Jesse again)
Jeff Sr.: Just get in there, c'mon. Cut it out!
Jesse: Can we not?
Jeff Sr.: It's not a drum, get in there!
(Jesse opens the door to Jeffrey's room)
Jeff Sr.: Do it, do it! Take care of it. Own up to your stuff.
Jeffrey: Anyone knocking?
Jeff Sr.: Why? Your brother has something for you.
Jeffrey: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Jesse: Dad... no, dad...
Jeffrey: You took my goddamn computer and just smashed it to smithereens?!
Jesse: I didn't do this shit, Dad did!!
Jeffrey: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING... GIVE ME THAT FUCKING COMPUTER!!!
Jesse: I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING...
(Jeffrey takes what is left of his laptop from Jesse)
Jesse: Where, there's nothing fucking left of it!!
Jeff Sr.: Learn your lesson! Yeah! Yeah!
Jesse: (starts running from Jeffrey, struggles to get past Jeff Sr.) GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!
(Jesse gets past Jeff Sr. and continues running, with Jeffrey giving chase. As they run outside, Jeff Sr. Walks to the window, where the chase continues outside. Jesse is seen without his shirt at this point.)
Jeff Sr.: This is what they get! This is what they get. Learn your lesson boys!
(The video ends)