This is the transcript for Psycho Kid's Birthday Bash.


Jesse: No, I don't-

Jesse's Girlfriend: It's your birthday!

Jesse: I don't wanna turn 23. I feel like I'm 12 right now, so that's nice.

Jesse's Girlfriend: Well, what do you think is, what do you think you got?

Jesse: Well, you already got me something, why is there a pink-

Jesse's Girlfriend: I did, this is from..

Jesse: That's not from you?

Jesse's Girlfriend: No.

Jesse: Corn, did you get me a pingball?

Corn: (laughs behind the camera)

Jesse's Girlfriend: It's obviously him.

Jesse: Is that cake done, yet, Mom?

Theresa: Here it comes!

(Theresa comes out from the kitchen holding a birthday cake, which only has five candles.)

Jesse: Why is there only five candles?

Theresa: It's a 2, and a 3, for 23.

Jesse: They didn't have the uhh, big number ones?

Theresa: No...

Jesse's Girlfriend: I'm sorry, I tried really hard! I'm sorry.

Theresa: I think it's beautiful.

Jesse: Where the fuck is Dad?

Theresa: Jeff! We're gonna sing!

(Jeff Sr. doesn't respond.)

Theresa: JEFF!

Jeffrey: Dad, come on!

Jeff Sr.: (walks out from bedroom) I'm coming! The stinkin' games are on.

Jesse: Alright, let's get it over with.

Theresa: Alright, but it's your son's birthday. We're gonna sing.

Jeff Sr.: I know, I thought we were gonna do it on his birthday!

Theresa: Could you dim the lights?

Jesse: (to Jeff Sr.) Yeah, I told you earlier we were celebrating today.

Jeff Sr.: Whatever.

(Jeff Sr. dims the lights.)

Jesse: Are you guys actually singing right now?

Everyone except Jesse: Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Jesse, happy birthday to you.

(Jesse blows out the candles. Everyone claps their hands.)

Jesse's Girlfriend: Yay!

Jeffrey: Great, now mono's on the cake.

Theresa: Did you make a wish?

Jesse: I did, I did.

Theresa: Nice.

(Jeff Sr. turns the lights back on.)

Jeff Sr.: What'd you wish for? Lights? A new home?

Jesse: I wished Jeffrey would grow the fuck up.

Jeff Sr.: You guys need to leave each other alone.

Jesse: I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna do gifts instead of cake. I'm gonna open them first.

Theresa: That sounds good.

Jesse: Alright, you could probably get stuff, like, ready while I'm doing this?

(Theresa walks toward the kitchen.)

Jesse: You know what? Corn did this one. (Jesse grabs an oddly shaped gift) You can tell by the- you can tell by the wrapping. This is like fucking recycled paper, too.

Corn: I don't claim to be a, uh, professional gift wrapper, all right? (laughs)

Jesse: It's not even birthday themed, he totally just found something lying around at Walmart at like, two in the morning, last night.

Jesse: Look at that. What is this? Is this a trashbag? Or a basket?

(Jesse unwraps the paper and sees what's in it. Corn laughs.)

Jesse: Fucking ass.

Jesse's Girlfriend: What is it?

Jesse: He got me ping pong balls. The same shit he gives me every year! It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Corn: Yeah!

Jesse: One star.

Corn: Aww. This is all I had.

Jesse: (??) Not actually recently. Because of my spleen.

Jeffrey: Your spleen, your spleen...

Jesse: Yeah, actually.

Jesse: Alright, so you actually gave me this?

Jeffrey: I did.

Jesse: Are you serious?

Jeffrey: I didn't know what your favorite store was, so I..

Jesse: Victoria's Secret? Funny.

Jesse: Lets see what you got me. What the FUCK? (revealed to be dog poop) WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? (Jeffrey starts laughing)

Jeffrey: It's literally fucking shit!

(Jeffrey laughs more)

Jeff Sr.: Why would you give him shit?! Seriously!

Theresa: Jeffrey!

Jesse: There's a piece of dog shit on the dining room table!

Jeff Sr.: Why would you do it?!

(Theresa comes with a paper towel and cleans up the poop)

Jeffrey: There's a gift bag and you just put your hand in it?

Jesse: There's a gift bag! I assumed there was actually fucking gifts inside!

Jesse: Mom, can I get a fucking napkin or something?

Jeffrey: Well Jesse, I knew how much you loved the outside, and you wanted to give back to nature.

(Jesse throws the paper towel at Jeffrey)

Jeff Sr.: Why would you put it on the dinner table?

Jesse: I thought it was -- Oh wait, it's on him.

Jeff Sr.: Yeah!

Jesse: Mom, I need like a wipe or something!

Jeff Sr.: You need a disinfectant!

Jesse's Girlfriend: Oh my god, that's awful.

Jesse: It's alright. Just give me that. I don't want this stuff to ruin my birthday. You're trying to ruin my- (Jesse grabs another gift).

Jesse: Is this from you?

Theresa: Yes it is!

Jesse: Well, do you want to be here while I open it?

Theresa: Yeah, just let me give you one.

Jeff Sr.: Go down here and pick up this shit, would ya?

Jeffrey: Alright, alright.

(Jesse throws the wipe at Jeffrey)

Theresa: It landed here, right?

Jeff Sr.: It's all over the place!

(Jesse opens the gift and laughs in excitement)

Jesse: Good shit!

Jesse's Girlfriend: Aw, Mario Kart!

Jesse: Remember when I used to have this?

Jeff Sr.: Why would you get him that?

Jesse: It's not from both of you guys?

Theresa: Because it's his birthday, it's a present!

Jeff Sr.: It doesn't matter! We've had all these issues over the years and you get him this?!

Jesse: I actually had this but you broke the other one!

Jeff Sr.: Right!

Jesse: So it's actually replacing the other one--

Jeff Sr.: So why'd you get it again?!

Theresa: Because you ruined his! What do you mean why'd I get it again?

Jeff Sr.: I can't believe this.

Jesse: What?

Jeff Sr.: Why didn't you check with me?

Theresa: I don't have to check with you!

Jeff Sr.: You should!

Theresa: Come on, it's his birthday!

Jesse: So wait, let me get this straight, so you- so you didn't get anything?

Jeff Sr.: No! This is from both of us, I thought, but I guess not!

Jesse: Why- Why didn't- I'm not trying to make a scene, I'm not trying to risk losing the house or anything, but like, why the fuck didn't you get me anything for my birthday?

Jeff Sr.: You know what we've been through! Your back in the house, that was enough!

Jeffrey: You're doing this for a new spleen.

Jeff Sr.: JT, let go. Seriously.

Jeffrey: I, I'm sorry, I let go. I'm good!

Jeff Sr.: I can't believe it.

Theresa: Well, believe it!

Jesse: (to Corn) Wanna try to play some Mario Kart tonight?

Corn: Of course!

Jeff Sr.: We have every other console in here! Why do you need to get him another one?

Jesse: I don't have this one, because you fucking broke it!

Jeff Sr.: We don't need this one!

Jesse: It was the same time you kicked me out of the house!

Jeff Sr.: Keep pushing it and you'll be out again!

(Jesse pauses for a second, listening to what Jeff Sr. just said to him.)

Jesse: Really? For my fucking birthday?

Theresa: This is his birthday! Can you please tone it down for a bit?!

Jeff Sr.: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm trying.

Jeffrey: Watch out, there might be shit-- Jesse!

Jesse: You didn't even get me anything either, so shut the fuck up!

Jeffrey: It's not your birthday.

Jeff Sr.: Leave him alone!

Jesse: I'm not trying, I'm not trying-

Jeff Sr.: I can't believe it! Seri- (groans in exasperation)

(Jesse unwraps the GamePad.)

Jesse: Do you know if I'm able to sync the old GamePad-

Jeff Sr.: And there's a COMPUTER WITH IT TOO?!

Jesse: It's not - What the fuck are you talking about, computer? It's a-

Jeff Sr.: What's that?!

Jesse: It's a GamePad, and it's a fucking console! That's it! Why do you even care?

Theresa: Just let it be!

Jeff Sr.: NO! It's not! It's ridiculous! It's ridiculous!

(Jeff Sr. picks up the Wii U.)


(Jesse knocks the ping pong balls off the tables and trips over them)

Jesse: FUCK! SHIT! Dad, what the f**k are you--

(Jeff Sr. throws the Wii U at the glass door)


Jeff Sr.: You made me throw at this stinking window!


(Jeff Sr. throws the Wii U at a tree, breaking the console.)


Theresa: Oh. My. God!

Jeff Sr.: You've got enough games!

Jesse: I'm fucking done, I'm fucking done.

Theresa: You're a-- You're an idiot! Why would you do that?! That doesn't make any sense!

Jeff Sr.: Why didn't it make any sense?

Jesse: (sarcastically) I can just buy a new one!

Theresa: Just- Just think about it! What do you mean we should have-

Jeff Sr.: He's got enough consoles! He doesn't need another one-

Jesse: YEAH?

(Jesse picks up the birthday cake and throws it at Jeff Sr., getting some frosting on his arm and shirt)

Jesse: FUCK YOU!

Jeff Sr.: Oh!

(Jeffrey giggles.)

Jesse: FUCK YOU!

Jeff Sr.: That's lovely! Yeah!

Jesse: I can't fucking do this. I get cake all over my fucking hands.

(Jesse throws box at Jeffrey and Jeffrey throws a ping ball at Jesse.)

Jeff Sr.: Stinkin' lovely, isn't it!

Theresa: You deserve it!

Jeff Sr.: (to Jesse) Keep going! Keep going!

(Jesse walks outside)

Jeffrey: Jesse! Jesse you forgot -- you forgot your gift!

Jesse: I don't want your bag of fucking shit, dude!

(Jesse throws the bag at Jeffrey and Jeffrey runs back into the house)

Jesse: Get back in the fucking house where you belong, with dad!

(Jesse picks up the Wii U to inspect the damage)

Jesse: FUCK!

Jesse: (yelling at dogs barking at him) SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

(Jesse looks extremely angry, and in a fit of blind rage, throws the Wii U at the glass door)


(Jesse throws the Wii U at the glass door again)



(Jesse throws the Wii U at the glass door again, this time smashing it to pieces)

Jesse: FUCK!!! YOU!!!!!!!

(Jeffrey comes to see what the noise was)


Jeffrey: You broke the fucking door?!


Jeffrey: Are you fucking kidding me?!

(Jesse's Girlfriend cuddles Jesse)

Jesse: (starts regretting what he did) Fucking.. Oh fuck. Fuck.

Jeffrey: What the fuck did you do?

Jesse's Girlfriend: Are you bleeding?

Jesse: Yeah. Fuck..

Jesse's Girlfriend: Jesse, you're bleeding..

Jesse: We gotta go. We gotta go back to your house, dude.

Corn: Sure.

Jesse: *Jesse's Girlfriend*, you gotta come too. (Jesse steps on a piece of glass). Ow, fuck!

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